My Ongoing Recovery from HTSD (Halloween-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

In a former blog post Farewell to October- Some Thoughts Before Moving On, I talked about my feelings of blessings and feelings of tension during the month of October last year. In the blessing category was Anna's birthday, our family sense of humor, and the cooler temperatures in Nevada. In the tension category came "themed bikinis" and my HTSD (halloween-traumatic stress disorder). All of this led to some good discussion last year. Processing with others-- especially with humor-- is a great way to live life and can serve as encouragement to find a new way to journey. Some of this discussion has surfaced again. If you want the full context, I encourage to read last year's blog entry first.

My friend Kerryann reminded me of last year's conversation when she posted the first "themed bikini" costume advertisement on my Facebook wall this month. I had not even thought about this until she reminded me that we are in that season again. And there is was again! "Sexy Corn". Because nothing says sexy like a piece of corn. And this year's new "themed bikinis" are even more ridiculous. Seriously, how "sexy" is the character Olaf from Frozen? Cute, perhaps... and I really enjoyed his character in the movie.  But he is made of snow, sticks, coal and a carrot. And isn't Olaf a boy? So that would make him a sexy boy? Hmmm... There is the yuck of this all and the need for discussion on appropriateness, but there is the practical side too. Aren't fall temperatures cold in many locations in the USA?  I've seen the weather reports and many places have already gotten [gasp] snow! If the poor little children try these costumes out, they might freeze to death. So error on the side of caution and save the children! :) From the posts of my friends on social media this year, I know I am not alone in how I feel. Ok, enough of my rant... moving on.

What I really want to talk about is the progress I have made in redeeming this season. Last year I talked about finding a different way after having discussion with my daughter Anna (see former blog post). So instead of just gritting my teeth and trying to ignore the overwhelming display of evil or gore (HTSD (halloween-traumatic stress disorder), which I personally dislike; I decided that we would intentionally decorate for the fall season and find ways to celebrate it. We have been enjoying building our collection of fall-themed decorations and making the outside of our house look beautiful. It is a welcome relief to arrive at my home after having to drive through a neighborhood of dismembered limbs, cemetery signs, skeletons, and ghosts. I like my happy home, and I think it communicates accurately who I am and what I believe. We plan to add more decorations next year, but we are off to a good start!

Since the theme of my blog is being authentic... I wanted to give you an update on my progress of redeeming this season. More and more I am realizing how Jesus came to redeem us in all things- our hearts, minds, bodies and souls-- our relationships and emotions-- our past, present and future. He came to give us a new perspective for the way to live. He came to give us a fresh start. And for me, it is amazing how he has conquered evil and fear... and wants us to participate in helping set others free from this as well. Perhaps these fall themed decorations are a small and insignificant thing in view of the complexities and emotions we all deal with in our lives, but this small experiment showed me that I do indeed have choices should I choose to exercise them. And it has reminded me of the beauty of redemption.

  

"There is a time for everything, 

and everything on earth has its special season."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

NCV (New Century Version)

Unplugging...

Unplugged
Photo by Ellysia Koenig Banks

I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to electronics and social media.

I love them because they keep me connected to family and friends, and allow me to stay in touch with the world-at-large. It is wonderful to celebrate with others as they have special moments in their lives... or I have cause to celebrate in mine. There can be moments of play and humor that simply make life fun. To capture a special moment using the convenience of my phone camera is sweet. It can be enhancing to be part of artistic or Christian community that encourage, challenge me, and help me expand my growth.

My daughter just peaked over my shoulder and said, "That is ironic. You are writing a blog that requires people to use electronics to read it."  Obviously, I readily admit there is good to social media and the use of electronic devices. I have many different accounts and use many devices that enhance my work, life and faith.  

Yet.... I have to admit I have a hate relationship with electronics and social media. There is much noise, noise, noise that comes through the broadcast channels of email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. There is so much that arrives at my eyes, mind, and emotions that are NOT the way I want to live:

"...think about the things that are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected." Philippians 4:8

And honestly, I have come to realize that I am a "functional introvert". This means I can function in life amongst other human beings and enjoy it, but I also get drained of energy if I am around people, noise, and stimulus too much. I realize that I need a balance if I am to feel healthy and thrive. And for me, I am beginning to realize that this includes not only live people time-- but also monitoring my use of social media and electronics.

Last week after a particularly draining week electronically (for a variety of reasons), I made the intentional decision that from Saturday night until Monday morning I was going to practice the spiritual discipline of "Unplugging".

Adele Ahlberg Calhoun defines it this way in an excerpt from her book Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices That Transform Us.  

Unplugging (p. 85-87)

Desire: "To be fully present to and uninterrupted in my interactions with God and others.  

She writes, "Unplugging recognizes that personal beings are created for personal interaction with God. We need to be in the presence of each other. Digital connections aren't enough to keep us healthy. We need to be touched. We need nonverbal signals. We need uninterrupted spaces in our lives for the presence of God and the presence of others.   

With the aid of technology we can attempt to juggle multiple worlds at the same time. But we can't keep juggling for twenty-four hours a day and not get worn out.   

In a world where people use the Internet an average of 30 hours a week and keep the TV or radio on 7.9 hours a day, we need to get unplugged from virtual reality and address our addiction to technology and the toxins it brings into our lives. Unplug, and look into the eyes of another human face--see the beauty of God's creation!" p. 87 

I love that Adele calls it what it is... "Unplugging"... and thus speaks directly into our present society. Unplugging = pull the plug on devices that require electricity and be more fully present to God and others...and to myself.

Yes, I intentionally decided the world could go on without me for a little more than 24 hours. I did not check my email. I did not look at Facebook. I did not read Twitter. I did not look at Instagram. I did not work on my computer. I put my cell phone in my office and walked away. This was made possible because on Saturday night and Sunday my entire family was at home together.

At this point you may be responding in your head with a few different responses: 1. "This is crazy talk! You are nuts if you think I am going to do this!"  2. "Cool, maybe I should try it." or 3.  "I don't have a problem with this... I manage myself perfectly.  It is only only you who has a problem."  Feel free to interact as you need to.  :)

So, what did I do instead of managing these electronic devices?

I had a clearer mind-- I could be more fully me inside my own skin and mind... and be available in the moments.   

I drew in my artistic journal and tried something new.  It was incredibly fun to do something creative.   

After church on Sunday, I curled up next to my husband and took a nap on the couch while our kids occupied themselves.  

I had interaction with my daughter, who I think found me more approachable since she talked and joked with me more than normal all day long. 

I read more of my book and proved myself wrong in my often stated words, "I don't have time." (for transparency and honesty: Yah, I do... I just don't manage my time wisely).  And while reading my book the author asked, "Which tasks that you have been doing today have drained you of energy, and which have appeared to recharge your batteries?" (p. 204, Inner Compass by Margaret Silf).  

As I continued to reflect on this, try the spiritual discipline exercises, and read more*, I realized how much I do not have proper boundaries when it comes to electronics and social media in the daily rhythm of my life. It was hard to honor this idea of "unplugging" even for only a day or so. I was tempted often to pick up my devices. In this short time, I realized how addicted I am to my devices. I realized how I use them to fill time with mindless activity to numb or distract. I also realized that I am actually allowing others instant access to my life, my space, and my priorities...whether I am aware of it or not.

The minute I even look at my phone--I allow that to take over as the priority of my life.  It consumes my focus and my time.

When I mindlessly open my email or Twitter, I let whatever is waiting instantly invade that moment. 

A click on Facebook or Instagram... and a barrage of images and banter comes flooding into my day. The good... but also the bad and the ugly.  

Ready or not--here it comes! Most time I will admit that I am NOT ready. 

I realize that by not intentionally choosing when and where and how I use social media and electronic devices, I am allowing other things and other people to have control of my time, my thoughts, and even my emotions. While social media and electronics can be blessings in many ways, as I mentioned above, they can also become curses.  

Would I allow a whole group of people to occupy my house and my space without planning or invitation?  Nope.   

Do I allow my special time with my beautiful family to be invaded and controlled by others?  I try not to.   

Would I allow a random group of people to dictate what my schedule of work for the day should be?  Nope.

Do I allow myself to purposefully be around conversations in daily life that are not life-giving or are toxic?  I try not to be.   

So why do I allow this to happen virtually?

So I asked myself, what can I do differently? And I came up with this. I am going to try asking myself a question before picking up an electronic device, or clicking to open any program/application.  The question I am going to ask myself is this:

"Do I give permission for these people or this information to enter my life at this moment?" 

If the answer is "No" -- do not proceed! Seriously... put the device down and walk away!

If the answer is "Yes" --  proceed -- but with caution while staying fully engaged. Maintain ability to process what I want to see and what I don't.  Stop when it isn't where I want to be.  I wonder if it would be good to look at the time and set a limit for myself before diving in.

If I am not 100% sure -- choose "No" -- and use my time more wisely and with the proper priorities that I want to live out.  Don't squander precious time with mindless actions to just fill time or be distracted from the things that matter most.

And in doing this, I hope I will feel more intentional about the when, where, and how of what I let into my life.  And hopefully.... I will be creating a more healthy balance overall.  I may not be perfect in this... but I know I need to try to do something different. It has begun.

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*The average person stares at his/her phone 150 times per day. There is a term for cell phone addiction called "nomophobia"- short for "no mobile phone phobia".  Read more: "Your Cell Phone is Not Part of Your Body -- You Can Let It Go"   (Great title! And great reminder!)

Laundry...Keep it in Flow, and Laugh

As I look back at my recent blogs, I realize they have been reflecting on more weighty topics.  So to lighten the mood in my topic list and to please my daughter who requested this... here is blog about the more routine subject of laundry.

I admit that over the years I have had a frustrating relationship with laundry.  It requires a delicate balance in order to get it done in just the right time so no one runs out of socks or clean underwear. Anyone who has sent their child to school with a "used" pair of underwear or a quick Frebrez to a shirt knows the very real emotion of feeling like a failure as a parent... and the pressure of maintaining that right rhythm to the wash cycle.  

Years ago a friend shared this cartoon with me and it is still a keeper.  A real image of how it sometimes feels...

This cartoon is how my daughter and son started to learn about Greek mythology.  Sisyphus was the guy who was condemned to have to roll a rock up a hill only to have it roll back down.  It was his eternal punishment to have to repeat this cycle over and over. 

I am not sure if it was before or after viewing this cartoon that I came to a new realization about the family wash.  I always felt like I was fighting to get it done.  Let's face it, it will never be "done" as it is a perpetual process that requires devoted attention in order to care for one's family.

And I will add that my husband and I have a goal that we do not want our kids to be "the stinky kids" in school (as much as it depends on us, of course).  And for clarity purposes, my husband does a mean load of laundry and helps out frequently.  So I guess it would be a thing we do for our family.  But poor Brian seems to have a tougher time figuring out how to sort the socks, jeans, and underwear now that Anna is almost my size. He is at a disadvantage since he doesn't wear those items. It is always amusing what things end up in each of our rooms after he sorts.   

When it comes to laundry, I have come to realize that I just need to keep it in flow.  That's my laundry mantra-- keep it in flow, keep it in flow.  As long as it is working through the process and in some stage of becoming clean it seems to be all good.  I may not have it completely done, but if there is something clean to wear we are GOOD! 

It looks a little different in my house with this view of flow and not killing myself to have it all completed and put away.  One day Joshua yelled to me from the upstairs, "Where is the pile?"  I yelled back, "The what?"  He said, "The pile... the clean clothes pile."  Doop.  When it dawned on me what he was referring to, I laughed out loud and answered, "Check the floor of my bedroom."  Yep--laundry was clean and in the pile... and my flow method worked!  The pile... just saying it makes me chuckle.  Humor is a great thing when it comes to laundry.

It can also be humorous as I try to teach my children that their dirty laundry is their concern.  If they want clean clothes then they need to dump their hampers or alert me that wash is required.  One day Anna said to me, "Where is my gray sweater?"  I answered, "Probably in the hamper." To which she replied, "I sent it in over a week ago." I burst out laughing and repeated, "Sent it in? Am I the dry cleaners?"  She smiled and said that wasn't what she meant.  Then we laughed together.

I realize my attitude about laundry has changed over time.  It is no longer something I loath or do with domestic bitterness.  I try to enjoy the laundry time (as best I can).  It is a trip down memory lane as I survey their clothes items and remember what they wore on the first day of school.  I smile when I see their sports team jersey or what they wore to a music concert.  Recalling what they were doing in those pieces of clothing can be sweet moments to remember.  

Laundry is purposeful.  I have laundry to do because I have a family.  I have two pretty amazing kids who are active and growing... and they make messes and wear different clothes each day.  It is because I have these blessings that I have wash to do.  And one day when they are grown and have moved out of the house I know I will miss seeing their t-shirts, shorts and socks in my laundry room and in piles in my bedroom.  

I will eventually teach both of my children to wash clothes. In time I will get around to that and I will try to prepare them to care for themselves while at college and when living in their own homes.  But I have to admit that right now I am content to have my own clothes free from shrinkage and discoloration.

Gotta go cycle a load of laundry...so I leave you with this bit of humor.  

Memorial Day and the Power of Stories

Photo by Ellysia Banks- Arlington National Cemetery

This weekend is Memorial Day.  For many it may be a welcome break that provides a three-day holiday.  For others, it may be a highly emotional time of remembering.

Memorial Day was established to commemorate those who lost their lives in military service. It is also by extension a day many choose to remember those we have loved and are no longer living earthly life.

It is wonderful to take time to intentionally remember.  We need to find more ways to celebrate the brave and honorable who no longer live in flesh and blood. We need to honor all who have contributed to our freedom.  We need to find ways to discuss the tough stuff so together we can grieve, learn, and find perspective...and newness.  We need to tell the stories that are part of our families and commemorate those who left us rich legacies.  We need to slow down and remember and share our stories.

Yesterday as I was serving as a chaplain at one of the local hospitals in my community, I was reminded about the value of honoring Memorial Day.

I had a surprise encounter with a Vietnam Veteran (Marine) who spent 2 years as a Prisoner of War (POW). We shared a time of storytelling and in the process I came to a whole new level of understanding about sacrifice and the brave legacy of others.  This was not a traditional "war story" but one that had a twist.

The Vietnam Veteran and his wife had invited me to pray for them during our visit together.  I extended the invitation to them that we all pray together.  As I extended my open hands, they each reached out to hold one of my hands-- and then held the hand of their spouse.  The Veteran prayed first, a beautiful heart-felt and emotional prayer about the current health concerns for his wife.  The Veteran reminded us all in his prayer that "where two or more are gathered, there I am in the midst" ... and I could feel God's presence with us. Note The wife had said she would just listen--so I prayed to close the moment.

What happened next was an incredible gift.  As we continued to talk and share life together, the wife gestured towards her husband and told me he had spent time as a POW.  The Veteran nodded and then proceeded to tell me about the moment he got to go home and what freedom meant for him.  It was emotional for him when he said, "I am home."

And then he said, "And one thing I will never forget is this..." and then he started to talk in another language that I did not understand.  From his stance and focused look in his eyes, I could tell it was obviously meaningful to him.  At the end of this he bowed and with a forward sweeping gesture of his hand said, "And peace be with you."  I was amazed and stunned.  I realized I had experienced something precious. In softness I asked, "What was it that you just shared with us?"

The former POW then proceeded to tell me about a Vietnamese woman who was in the POW camp with him.  He said they called her mama san. Note  She was older than the soldiers and she was imprisoned for trying to help set the American POWs free.  He was clearly reflective and emotional as he told me his story. I tried to listen well. There was a special fondness the veteran shared for his fellow POW.  It seemed like there was so much going on behind his eyes that he did not share with me--but I was honored with what he did share.

He proceeded to tell me that mama san had taught him The Lord's Prayer, in Vietnamese, while he was a POW.  It was this prayer that he had shared with me in such a beautiful and spontaneous way.  He said that he repeated it just as she had taught him.  I asked if she also did the bow, hand gesture, and added "And peace be with you" at the end.  He responded that he did it just as she had taught him.  The gift to me in that present moment was this POW telling me how he had received encouragement from this woman while he suffered.  Mama san not only knew The Lord's Prayer--she taught it the other POWs-- and they prayed together in that way.  And yet there I was, perhaps 50+ years later, feeling like I had been allowed to share this interconnected relational moment.  And in the process was learning of this special part of history, faith, and relationships that I never knew existed.  And I felt a present sadness to learn that mama san had died three days before the liberation of the Prisoner of War camp.

I felt like I had received an amazing gift that transcended time.  It permeated the present as it connected seamlessly with the past.  It was the sharing of powerful stories which offered the treasure of broadened perspective and commemorated the rich legacy of lives lived in earthly, tough, painful ways--yet found comfort and hope together.  And I felt honored to know this former POW and this special woman he introduced me to.

As my visit was coming to a close, I had an inner-tension about how to gently transition from this visit.  I felt like I wanted to stay and hear more, but other patients desired visits as well. As I thanked the couple for sharing this time with me I felt humbled that I was entrusted with such special and personal memories.

And then it just naturally happened.  I offered the gentleman the best salute I had within me from my years in the Army.  His eyebrows went up for a moment and without missing a beat, he snapped to attention and gave me a crisp salute back.  And somehow that just seemed right.

As Memorial Day approaches, may we be mindful of all who gave their lives in service to others.  And may we be mindful of the people like mama san, who although not American or U.S. military, also shared in the suffering and sacrifice. 

This Memorial Day weekend take time to remember.  Make space for the telling and listening of stories.  And leave room to share the legacies of ALL who should be remembered for their part in this grand story throughout history.

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Additional Thought:  

If we are not careful, Memorial Day can become another Veterans Day. I empathize with this woman who voiced her concern in the Baltimore Sun:

"Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day.

All across social media and elsewhere, I see well-meaning declarations thanking members of the military for their service. As full of good intentions as these statements are, they are still troubling.

When you thank the living on the day meant to honor the dead, it’s a little bit awkward for everyone involved.

I am not a veteran, so I can’t speak for what it’s like for them (not even the one I’m married to), but this day feels like one of reflection. One is likely mourning ones’s lost colleagues, possibly contemplating that the smallest change in circumstances could have led to one’s own demise. 

To be thanked for service in this context seems uncomfortable, to put it mildly. 

So today, let’s remember those who gave their lives."

In contrast to the author of this editorial, I am a veteran. I served for 8-years on active duty in the United States Army.  Yet, I admit I often share the same uncomfortable feelings expressed by the author above. Memorial Day is a day of remembering the men and women who died while serving, while Veterans Day celebrates the service of all U.S. military veterans. Note  We need to be careful not to confuse the meanings and intent.

I understand wanting to honor others and I am proud to be a veteran myself, but I personally do not want to be affirmed or mentioned on Memorial Day.  I would rather it be a time where we can honor those who who have come before us.  I would rather it be a time to listen to the wisdom of those, who may no longer live amongst us, but still have much to teach from their examples and legacies that live on.

An Invitation

Poem and Photos by Ellysia Koenig Banks- April 25, 2014  

Come walk in My garden 
and take time to rest
immersed in the scents and the blooms.

Let worry escape from the cares of the day
embracing this moment to slow.

Let Me carry your thoughts
as your eye beholds beauty
and guides your heart to see.

Find lightness and joy in the place that you are--
receiving permission to "be".

  

Memento Mori -- Remember you are Dust

I once heard a story that captured my attention--and has continued to come back to mind again and again. (1)

There was a Roman general parading through the streets after a victory.  Standing behind him was his slave who had been commissioned to remind the general that, although triumphal today, tomorrow he could fall or be brought down.  The servant is thought to have conveyed this with the warning, "Memento mori."  Latin = Remember that you will die. (2)

[Gulp] The ultimate reality check.

I have been thinking about how something similar happens during the beginning of the Lent journey. As an act of humility and seeking forgiveness (being cleansed) before God a person bows their head and ashes are smeared on their forehead, often in the shape of a cross.  These words are normally spoken to the recipient at this time, "From dust you came... and to dust you shall return."  In some traditions there is a response that is then given, "Yes, but by the cross of Christ I am alive!"  This day is called Ash Wednesday.

Unique Object Lesson
Last year I received a unique object lesson. I was asked to assist with Ash Wednesday services for hundreds of hospital employees, family members, and patients who would not be able to attend church services that day. I was asked to bring some extra ashes to ensure we had enough to share with those who desired to receive them.

Now, like you, I didn't keep spare ashes laying around my house--so I called one of my pastors and inquired about this. Pastor Marta assured me that the church had ashes they could share. She said she would leave them for me at the front desk. I thanked her and said I would pick them up the next morning on my way to the hospital. Simple enough, it seemed.

Early the next morning I received a text from Intern Pastor Kaitlyn who had arrived at the church before I did.  

"Are you ok?"  She asked.  

"Yes."  I texted back. "Why?"  

I paused to wait for her response.   

Then I received a text with an attached photo.  

I opened the attached file...was momentarily confused...and then laughed out loud! 

"Ellysia's Ashes" the sticky note said, and it was affixed to a quart-size Ziploc bag filled with black ashes. That set off a whole chain of texts back and forth between the two of us. She said she was glad that I was alive.  I remarked that although I wanted my funeral to be a simple one--I wasn't sure I had "Ziploc simple" in mind.

We laughed about this again when I arrived at church to pick up "my ashes".  But it was an odd feeling to actually hold the baggie in my hands and observe my name on them.  I continued to look at it with mixed feelings as it sat on the passenger seat while I drove to the hospital that morning.  It stayed with me during the day when I participated in the Ash Wednesday experience with others.  It made me think hard... and I have continued to process this over time.  I actually pinned the empty baggie to my office bulletin board at the end of the day so I could continue to ponder the meaning and image.

I know from the realities of life that cremated ashes are not black like these burnt palm branches.  Cremated ashes appeared to me to be more gray in color and more sandy in texture.  When my friend's mother transitioned to life eternal, her ashes were lovingly spread by family and friends into the earthen soil of a rose garden amongst the red blooms.  "To dust you shall return"-- it was a peaceful moment and somehow just felt right.  

This very real image of "my" own ashes in a Ziploc bag, the observation of life with others, and the words spoken on Ash Wednesday speak to me in so many ways...

Do you remember that were originally made from the dust of the ground?(Genesis 1:7)  How often you seem to forget your humble beginning when you start having inflated thoughts about yourself. 

You think you are invincible? Your life is only a vapor--a breath--and it will be over.  (James 4:14)   Live it well... live it in the freedom of Jesus Christ...live with love...live with purpose...live.     

Your body will not last forever... take care of this gift of life that God has given to you.  But remember that one day you will return to the dust when you die and your soul will go on without the need for the fleshly shell.  

Reflection
Morbid thoughts?  Maybe in some ways.  I'm not sure I am ready see people walking around in present society with hired helpers calling out to them "memento mori".  But perhaps coming face-to-face with reality serves as a good reminder of what is true and we often try to ignore.

I know that after holding a baggie of ashes with my name on in it, I was stirred and deeply humbled.  It helped me serve others on that Ash Wednesday by fully identifying with our common humanity, the need we all have, and remembering the bigger meaning of why we do what we do and believe what we believe.

I find it is beneficial to remember that I am human and that I will not live forever.  I need to continually humble myself before God by not only bowing my head... but also by bowing my heart...and my mind... and my will.  I need to continually seek to be made new and to be cleansed--to remember that ashes were signs of mourning and repentance.  And I soooo need to receive a fresh start each time I fail or stumble.  This is not just on Ash Wednesday or during Lent... but on each and every day that I draw breath and walk this earthly life.

But God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.  He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.  1 Thessalonians 5:9-10

Ellysia and friends, Lucy and Kaye, on Ash Wednesday (3)

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Notes:

1.  I first heard this story while a student in Dr. Nate Feldmeth's Church History class at Fuller Theological Seminary.

2.  It is further possible that the servant may have instead advised, "Respice post te! Hominem te esse memento! Memento mori!": "Look behind you! Remember that you are a man! Remember that you'll die!", as noted by Tertullian in his Apologeticus.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memento_mori

3.  Some people have asked about how I and others received such a clear cross symbol on Ash Wednesday.  While some church traditions only use their fingers to administer ashes, at the hospital we sometimes use a cross stamp. There are less loose ashes to interfere with patient care and cleanliness.  It certainly also presents a clear outward symbol of my inward faith.

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A few additional thoughts if you choose to read on... 

The most common comment I heard on Ash Wednesday while wearing ashes or offering ashes to others was, "Are you Catholic?" I normally responded with something like, "I am Christian. And today I am joining numerous others around the world who are also commemorating this special day."

I, like many, did not grow up practicing Lent.  Until recent years it seemed a bit odd to me as an outsider. The change came when I was encouraged to try it out and experience it for myself. And in going and seeing, I discovered an intentional way that helps me reflect on the deeper meaning of my faith. It serves as a catalyst to slow the Easter season down and be able to think deeply about the meaning. It helps me arrive on Easter morning with a fuller context and expectation after having journeyed thoughtfully and reflectively. And I have found that it makes the Easter morning celebration all that more special.  I have also discovered that participating in Lent has made me more reflective in common days and brought broader meaning to the daily practice of my faith.

Lent is not just for one denomination, one country, or any particular group of people. It is a shared experience by the global followers of Jesus and the tradition has roots back to early Christianity.

Lent = spring, or idea of new beginning/renewal

Ashes = sign of mourning, grieving, distress and humility.  In historic times ashes were also used in making soap and thus a symbol of washing and cleansing.  

40 Day Journey =  the idea of "40" and journey/pilgrimage shows up in the Bible, especially when thinking about Jesus spending 40 days in the desert before the start of his active ministry.   

Ash Wednesday marks the first day of Lent.  The season of journey continues for 40 days (not counting Sundays which are always celebration days--the day Jesus rose from the dead).  The season of Lent concludes on Easter morning with a grand celebration of Jesus' resurrection.

During Lent many people choose to give up something or take on something.  Traditional ways included fasting, intentional time for prayer, and giving of alms (gifts to the poor, acts of charity, involvement in justice).  Some choose to give up things: bad habits, unhealthy living, chocolate, etc.  Some choose to take on new things: spiritual disciplines, more time for prayer and bible reading, or perhaps things like new habits, more rest, celebration, etc.

Oh and one more thing... you can always begin a journey with Jesus even if you did not participate in Ash Wednesday or start on the first day of Lent.  Begin today or perhaps begin again today.

Additional "food for thought":

How Lent Can Make a Difference in Your Relationship with God

“Umm, I didn’t ask you to give up coffee. I asked you to surrender your life.” – God

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Becoming a Patient in the Chemotherapy Treatment Room

A year ago I found myself as a patient in the chemotherapy treatment room of our local cancer center.  And in that sentence there were three things that were new experiences for me:  

• patient 
• cancer center
• chemotherapy treatment room  

For many months last year I wasn't feeling well. I was exhausted all the time and started to have days when my extreme vertigo sent me back to bed. I had been mostly healthy up to this point--only needing my annual physicals, allergy medicine, and the occasional visit for a sinus or ear infection.  But in these months, I continued to visit my doctor and complain about not feeling well.  She treated the obvious symptoms if there were some, but for the most part I think she was perplexed by my new hypochondriac tendencies....until my lab results came back from blood work.  The dreaded word arose in our conversation "abnormal".  

Becoming a Patient

My compromised immune system and unknown issues made me a risk to others... and them a risk to me. So, I was benched from my service as a hospital chaplain. I had also taken the quarter off from my seminary courses since nothing worked with my schedule. I started to realize that I was going to have a focused season of learning first hand what it felt like to be a "patient".  

I had never been a patient except when having my two children.  I had never been someone who needed to slow down...or someone who had limitations in life.  Until now... and so I was to learn:

To experience the earthy and intimate side of an illness. 

To live in the unknown between diagnosis and the first doctor appointment... wondering what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to live while waiting.   

To live in the unknown between doctor appointment and first treatment. The unknown between treatment and next treatment... and next treatment.  And then the unknown between finishing treatment and waiting for recovery.

Then unknown between recovery and follow-up, etc. etc. etc.  

I came to discover the truth of what I had hypothesized while observing others when walking alongside them in their illnesses; 

(1) any medical issue can feel like the ultimate loss of control 

 (2) when it is your health or the health of someone you love, there is no such thing as a "little procedure". Any time you need to go to the doctor, need a follow-up test, or need a procedure or surgery-- it is huge and a big deal to you.  Anytime there is something "abnormal" it creates stress and can open up Pandora's Box of concerns.  

The way I handle these things is to pull deep inside and become very quiet.  I reflect on it all and my mind processes the infinite list of "what ifs".  As I let my mind race, I became more and more stressed.

What if I am really sick?

What if I have a disease?

What if I can't be there for my family?  

What if I can't finish my seminary studies that I have been working on for 7 years? 

What if... 

Yet in all this, I felt God's presence near and was reminded once again that there is always more to your story when God is involved in your life.

One day at a time -- and sometimes just taking it moment-by-moment works best.  

Breathe (how often we forget this in times of stress)

Be thankful for your blessings (write them down if needed and refocus your mind)

Take it one step at a time. Each day is a gift so just try to live that one day well.  

Going to the Cancer Center

For some strange reason, my iron level had plummeted.  It dropped to a super low level.  It took my white blood count down and evaluated my red blood count. All sorts of other anomalies resulted and I was sent to see the hematologist (blood doctor) for follow-up. I was not told where this type of doctor actually worked.  When I showed up for my first appointment, I looked up at the sign over the door and swallowed really hard as I stepped foot through the doors that said Cancer Treatment Center.

It was a tough place to be. "Cancer center" brought all sorts of emotions to the surface.  As I surveyed the crowd of faces sitting with me in the waiting room I wondered what they were each there for.  Young and old--male and female--various ethnic reflections.  Complicated emotions surfaced.  I didn't know what was going on with my health, but there I was. To make matters more complicated, my mom had been undergoing recovery from breast cancer.  And my friend was recovering from lung cancer. Cancer had impacted the lives of so many people I knew and loved.  And now this was my journey... my story to be lived out.  It turned out that I did not have cancer (whew), but still needed help to restore my health.

Receiving Treatment in the Chemotherapy Treatment Room

When I returned weeks later, I was taken for more blood work and my first treatment.  It was a surprise to discover that my treatments took place in the chemotherapy treatment room where I sat amongst many others.   And they, like me, were hooked up to machines that injected various IV solutions into their bodies to render aid in healing. But unlike me, many had a diagnosis that was more serious and required tougher treatments.  I spent my time quietly praying for others around me.

As I sat watching the IV in my arm, the red fluid with my iron supplement flowed into my arm with the aid of a machine. It felt cold and I needed the warming comfort of two blankets. I had hours to sit and wonder about the solution while undergoing treatment.  It made me think about the blood of Jesus Christ, which is often referenced in the Bible and sometimes sung about in hymns. That concept had always been so odd to me and sometimes frankly a bit gross. But as I reflected on where I was and what was happening, all of a sudden a new idea came to mind. What if the idea of the cleansing blood of Christ is kind of like a blood transfusion. Out with the old and in with life-giving newness.  A new life... life not defined by my body function nor the limited days I will breathe and tread the soil of this earth, but a true life that is focused on the earthly AND the eternal. A life forever with God.. starting now AND continuing forever and ever.  I realized how encouraging it was to realize that no matter what was happening in my body, I lived.  I lived with the blood of Jesus in me... and no matter what this earthly life and my illness had to throw at me... I lived. There is always more to the story with God in your life.  

A Year Later

After 9 months of waiting and receiving the comfort of prayers from close friends and family, my levels slowly climbed back into the almost normal range. In the months and months of waiting I examined everything in my life. I had time to take on new patterns of living. 

You better believe I was motivated to have better eating habits, better sleep, taking vitamins, and resuming exercise. I realized that so many things I spent time doing and stressing about just didn't matter.  They weren't "majors". There were many good things on that list, but not all of those things were the BEST things for me or for my family. They didn't make the cut as I made my choices to simplify.  I learned, and am still learning, how to "Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10  I am learning that it is a great thing to take life more slowly and yet be more fully present.  

My white blood count is still low--and there is no explanation.  My doctors seem to think it may be my new normal and that it is just a number.  But knowing this requires me to continue to take intentional care of myself while I continue to walk by faith each day I am given.  

Just a few weeks ago, I resumed serving as a hospital chaplain.  I realized how much I missed it and I am excited about journeying alongside others again.  

I pray that what I have learned during my illness and treatments will provide me with the ability to show more empathy and compassion.  

I pray that I will love a little more deeply and purely.

I pray that I will listen better and with more depth.  

And I pray that I may offer hope to others in new ways.  

News Years Day List Making... and Humor

Last year our family began a New Years Day tradition that I hope will be something we continue every year.  This year was our second year- so we are going in the right direction.

When I grew up as a child, I remember being nervous about New Years Eve.  The change from one year to the next seemed really huge and uncertain. I would imagine that my view was also influenced by the fact that the church I grew up in sometimes had New Years Eve events where they showed these horrific "end times" films.  If you don't know what I am talking about, good for you!  If you do, then I am sure you can relate!  I imagine the purpose was to get your attention and perhaps help you commit to live your life and faith better.  As a young girl, they just made me afraid.

So for my family, I thought maybe we could usher in the new year a little more gracefully.  I'm not saying there shouldn't be opportunity provided to reflect on how your life and faith could be better, but maybe starting with a positive view would be nice.  So I created "100 Things I am Thankful For" lists.  Why 100?  I don't know.  I guess I thought 10 was too small and could be rushed through too superficially. 100 seemed to be more challenging and provided more opportunity to really think deeply. You have to work at it to uncover the reality of all the things we normally take for granted and are blessed with.  And after opening your mind and heart that way, it seems that the pipeline stays on and continues to flow.

My original intent was to have family time together where we sit down, slow down, and intentionally write out our lists. The idea was that we would each create ours separately and perhaps afterwards we might be able to share them.

Let me confess that the reality of this process has been more humorous than expected! It is completely free form and evolves like a runaway train.  It has, however, already created some fun family memories, a lot of smiling, and new "one-liners" to joke about.  We ultimately end up with some hilarious responses while bantering together.  Something along the lines of this:

Child: "I can't think of anything." 

Me:  "Think of things last year that you were glad to have or do. Think of all the ways God has blessed you.  Walk around the house and see if anything else comes to mind." 

Child:  "Oven, microwave, toilet..." 

Other Child:  "Toilet!  Ya, that's a good one!"

And then the family gets completely off track with goofy responses and laughter.  

It is no wonder that every list included an entry that they were thankful for humor.  Other common things that made the lists were our pets and the other members of the family--expect Josh forgot Anna and we had a good laugh about that too as he smirked and then added her.  Common references also appeared for our home, clean water, friends, and modes of entertainment/hobbies.  There was so much written that gave me joy and warmth.  Sweet, sweet responses.  Yet, the lists also ended up including an eclectic mix of entries based on each person's viewpoint.

Josh wrote: #31- "that Tigger [our cat] doesn't have rabies" and then #32 "clean floors".  

Anna was on a roll with her running list from #77 to #84 with "left leg, right leg, left arm, right arm, left hand, right hand, left foot, right foot" and then somehow added #85 "left food" and #86 "right food".  I guess she was hungry.  When I reviewed her list I asked about those and she didn't realize she had done that.  She laughed out loud and I still recall the big beautiful smile on her face!  So she did an edit and drew a picture of the fridge and drew lines to each door.  Oh course, now every time I go to the fridge and open the door, I am thinking left food or right food.  :)

 

No surprise that Brian's list included #28 "caffeine" and #29 "chocolate".

My list this year included amongst many, many things #18 "being a seminary graduate" and #100 "the future God has already prepared and will guide me into".  Tigger did get a mention on my list as well as he started to throw up in the kitchen in the middle of our family moment.  So #27 became "purpose--cleaning up after Tigger".  Hmm... come to think of it, maybe this is why Josh added his #31 and #32!

What was also fun this year was that we had already had an afternoon of ice skating with friends on the top of the Cosmopolitan Hotel.  And then our friend and daughter stopped by right when we were sitting down to do our thankful lists after returning home.  I invited them to participate and they were up for it!  It turned into a bonus community night as they joined the fun and laughter as well. A great New Years Day all around.

I am really hopeful for 2014.  I know it will contain "good, bad and ugly" moments like every year.  But starting the year with a feeling of great joy for the blessings I have and what has already happened gives me an expectancy of all that is yet to be unveiled throughout the year...and a steady assurance.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:37-39 TNIV

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