Consider the Cactus....

It is spring in Nevada and a time when we celebrate the renewal of life... even in the desert.

It actually has been bursting with life for a few months now. Awareness of life here comes in waves and often in small packages. I wait in anticipation of this annual rhythm. First the plum trees erupt with the pink and white blossoms. That is always my first awakening that spring has come. It is a feeling of celebration and expectation. There may have been trees leafing out before this, but the plum blossoms usher in the upcoming season of delights. Next, the Texas Mountain Laurel display their purple blooms that smell like grape Kool-Aid of my childhood. I can usually smell them before I see them. Then, come the climbing roses in displays along or over garden walls. My neighbors happen to have Lady Banks roses in a soft yellow that I get to enjoy--both the flowers and the affirmation of my royal name, of course! Then come the jasmine with their delicate white flowers set against dark green leaves. The jasmine bring forth a soothing smell that wafts throughout the communities. They too can be smelled before they are seen.

And now is the time of the cacti. These seemingly dormant, slow growing, prickly plants sit most of the year in sandy soil amongst the rocks. They are at best ignored and more actively avoided in order to not get hurt by them. I was on a retreat hike in the beginning of April and got "bit" by a cactus on my left pointer finger. I ended up with an infection and 10 days of antibiotics. It is still healing.

But a cactus plant also has a secret. They have unrealized potential. It is not always known to the world but it is contained within.

At this season--this time of the year--they let us in on their secret. For inside the plant we often devalue are beautiful blooms waiting to happen. Each cactus contains inside a special gift of color and beauty that comes forth from the depth of the plant. And at this time of year we get to celebrate in amazement how this happens. They burst forth in colors of white, red, fuchsia, purple, yellow and orange. These gifts will be enjoyed for a short time and then shrivel up. The cactus will return to being a cactus for the rest of the year.

Observing the cacti has been a special thing for me. 

It is an extension of Jesus saying: "Consider the flowers" (Luke 12:27)--but flowers are only out for a brief time. To consider them really does make us slow down, observe them deeply, enjoy them fully, and to delight in how this happens.

A cactus plant also reminds me of myself. I can be prickly and slow growing. I am a work in process. I deal with things from past and present that can leave me feeling dry, isolated, and misunderstood. I can also feel at times like the rocks and dirt around me are tough places to dwell. I sometimes get so short-sighted that I forget that there is more happening.

Considering the cactus reminds me that there is so much more to the story of my life... and that of others. What we see on the outside is not the fullness of potential, truth, God's gifts given, or what the future will hold. God who loves us is working in us. The deep work we do to open all of ourselves to transformative relationship with the Triune God brings forth new life and new possibilities. The ground we think is dry and lifeless-- often is the place where we are sustained, supported, learn to mature, have time to process, have a place to rest, and open to receive what we need. These are the listening places and learning spaces of life. They can bring forth beautiful things in time. The slow growth we often don't notice actually does happen as we live each faithful day. We all contain within us so much more than meets the eye.

"The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Sam 16:7 NLT

Today, I invite you to get outside and consider the blooming cacti. If you don't have any around you, then enjoy the photos on this blog post that were taken in my friend's garden this week. I was so excited to receive her text yesterday and the first photo of the red/white cacti below-- plus her gracious invitation to come visit her garden on my next walk. Today as I took a morning walk again, I discovered that in only a day they had opened even more. I texted her and shared my discovery with my own photo attachment. She also had noticed before leaving to drop her daughter off at school and going to work. What a fun way to start our day.

I wonder what more Jesus has to teach us through this example of God's amazing creation.
Would love to hear any thoughts you have as you too consider the cactus.

 

Do We Have Permission to Admit Weakness?

As I was processing after writing my former blog post: Admitting my Weakness--Five Years of Recovering from Illness, I realized that I probably needed to clarify a few things. My even admitting that I am weak or ill can mess with people's beliefs about what is acceptable or allowed as a Christian. I offer this blog post from another author as food-for-thought: Shaming Christians Who Are Sick.

In the years before I was sick myself, I served as a hospital chaplain and visited others. In these situations it was refreshingly beautiful and humbling to be a listener to those who didn't feel the need to be fake or pretend. They would honestly share from the depths of their hearts and reality. Then we would often offer these honest places to God in prayer and ask that God be with them in the depths of their bodies, souls, minds, hearts, and all other places mentioned. We remembered the name given for Jesus-- Emmanuel, God with us. (Matt 1:23)

Then I got sick myself and became my own patient--and needed to open to others for support and care. This took the "with God life" to a whole new level. One of the questions I processed was, "Why?" Another question I processed was, "Was it ok to accept my weakness?" These questions helped me continue to have honest conversation with God.

In the past day, I rediscovered a journal entry from Sep 2014 as I was processing early into the unknown:

"Here is what I am wondering God-- what is the reason for my noticeable heartbeat and my feelings of dizziness and exhaustion? Should I pray for healing of my body? Am I lacking faith that you could heal me and restore me? Or am I right to pray for healing in an open and permissible way that allows you to use this to to heal me and restore me, not only the physical, but with focus on my mind, soul and heart? Total healing comes in many packages--including death--but I desire to live--to truly live fully and lightly--in service and love of my family and others. How O Lord am I to journey? What do you desire of me?"

Honest feelings and expressing them before God is permissible. I have found it completely ok to bring our whole selves to God-- to come as we are and open all ourselves before Him. He already knows what we are thinking anyway-- but in being honest, we come to know ourselves better and to open to what the rest of the story as God then has room to share with us more than we know or can see at that present moment.

We see permission for weakness and admitting our places of need in the Bible:

• There is a whole genre called lament in the Bible. Room for passionate expression of grief or sorrow. Room to share with God in the bad and ugly moments. Room to be honest. Read more  in this article: Biblical Laments: Prayer Out of Pain

• Jesus himself admitted he was weak. It was a very real place for him and he expressed it. He didn't pretend it was all ok and gloss over it. 

• Elijah comes to mind from 1 Kings 19. He was ready to give up and prayed to die. He slept and was cared for by an angel. It was permissible for him to have time for rest and recovery. It wasn't until later that God asked him to get up and Elijah obeyed. But first Elijah leaned into rest and God allowed that without judgment or criticism. 

"Elijah was afraid and ran for his life... he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 

• We read Psalm 23-- ah so nice and comforting, right? And then see new surprises in verse 2 like, "He makes me lie down..." which shocked me when I saw it. "Makes me"... wow. The laying down comes before the "restoring my soul" in verse 3. 

• We read Psalm 139:5 and find, "You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand on me." The awareness that God met the Psalmist in a very closed space and blocked the way forward or for retreat. There was comfort given with the Lord laying His hand on the person. I think of this like a sheep in a pen and being petted to help it calm down. 

• The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness and when we don't know what to say. We can groan (or sigh, cry, etc) as ways of acceptable prayer and receive help. Weakness is the place that brings us in cooperation with the Spirit. 

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." Romans 8:26

• The Apostle Paul asked God to take away the "thorn" in his life-- something truly bothering him and Paul wanted it to go away. God said no. Whatever Paul desired to be removed was left so that in weakness Paul would depend on God and not himself. And God promised that His grace would be sufficient-- more than enough. Paul did ongoing ministry even while struggling, coping with, and living with this issue. It did not go away, yet Paul was faithful and no one would ever argue that he was not used by God. Paul learned that admitting and living in weakness resulted in more of the God story to be revealed. Read more in 2 Cor 12. 

"I was given a thorn in my flesh... Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me." verse 7-8

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, insults, in hardships... For when I am weak, then I am strong." verse 9-10

And finally, Christians throughout history have had illness and weakness that they admitted and have lived openly with. They still served the Lord in amazing ways and we know who they are and what they endured from their stories and faith examples passed down over time. Here are a few:

• Hildegard of Bingen (1098-1179) experienced illness, weakness, and pain. Yet she also had amazing conversations and time with God that she writes about and are inspiring. She had a vibrant ministry especially for a woman in her time. She had a different way of seeing God-- one that transcended the era she lived in and lives on.

• St. Francis of Assisi (1181-1226) is said to have experienced illness from years of poverty and wandering. He also began to go blind. Yet he was a powerful man of God who served many in his ministry and his example.

• St. Ignatius of Loyola (1491-1556) walked with a physical limp, bodily deformity, after a battle injury and two surgeries. Plus he also appears to have had other physical issues that often left him ill or slowed him down. His autobiography is full of these moments. He often remained behind to rest and recover while his ministry companions went ahead. Ignatius learned much in his way of journey with the Lord and shares rich, life-giving wisdom as a result. I am processing this more for my doctorate paper and finding it so inspiring. Ignatius is a brother to me who shows me so much. 

• Mother Teresa (1910-1997) is said to have suffered from severe heart disease and still served the Lord in wonderful, humble, gentle ways that changed the lives of many. 

• Plus many, many more examples. In fact, so many of the historic Christians we admire had times of admitted weakness, illness, struggles, and hardships. They didn't gloss over them, but fully lived them and kept company with Jesus. They shared with us from what they experienced in their place of real need. The family of God throughout history are wonderful companions as part of the "cloud of witnesses" in Hebrews 12:1. 

So-- do we have permission to admit weakness? I suggest that we do.

And maybe in pondering and consider these Biblical and historical Christian examples, we will find more room for our own "with God life" in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. Even if limping, sick, healing, or wondering what is going on-- because our weakness can be the very place for God to companion us and show us His strength, presence and love in amazing ways formerly inconceivable.

And maybe, just maybe, there is also room to continue to serve God as we are and continue to allow God to use us, our gifts, and our experience as we say "yes" to God's invitations to join His work. But we do so in the proper rhythm we need to be mindful of and in continually opening to the ways of grace that are also required to be sustained. May we also give this grace to others.

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Admitting My Weakness: 5 Years of Recovering from Illness

I have something on my heart that I would like to share. This blog is titled "Becoming Authentically Me"-- and becoming is a process and being authentic is, well, a process too. So I am one who is in process--thus I am on the journey already but still opening to what it means, how to live it, and what the days hold. Before looking forward-- in life events to come and perhaps future blog posts-- I can't shake the feeling that I need to share this first. I believe God is asking me to humble myself and be fully honest about my journey with illness and the weakness I experience.

I have kept this fairly quiet since it was such a struggle for me and required me to often rest for extended times. That left me unable to have necessary energy for conversations, questions, interactions with others, etc. I opened up to a few who have journeyed with me... but mostly it has been my family who has companioned me and can tell their own version of this story.

I have been sick for almost 5 years. I now know my diagnosis (will share that later) but for the first 3 years I did not. I blacked out one day during an exercise class with Anna and days later I was a different person. I slept 12-16 hours a day, extreme exhaustion limited my movement and activity, was winded while walking only a block, had heart palpitations, had chest pains, felt tingly in all of my skin (especially arms and legs), had blurry vision, foggy brain, etc.

Doctors passed me around from specialty to specialty as we all tried to see what was happening. Prior to this I had been super healthy-- and strong-- and able. Over time we got glimpses of things that were off.

• Visit upon visit to my family practice doctor who is very wise. She believed me since I had been super healthy and I had only seen her once a year previous to these issues arising. She did blood work, and was able to discover that my white blood count was low and my iron extremely low. 
• Low iron and treatments I had written about before. So trips to a hematologist and clinic.
• A cardiologist discovering I have POTS and a former exposure to Epstein-Barr virus. 
• A discussion with a friend about the possibility of mast cell related issues and starting a no/low histamine diet that helped me some. 
• An allergist who recommended taking daily histamine blockers to reduce the impact on my body and allow it to recover. 
• Continued discussion with my family practice doctor who after years of unsuccessful healing recommended I go out of town for additional care. 

After years of illness, I ran out of options in the area I live in. I was sent to Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, AZ and was thankful for good medical insurance. The consultative doctor did a complete review of my case, my symptoms, ordered three days of tests, and had me consult with specialty doctors who were able to advise. Mayo Clinic, unlike the doctors where I live, worked as an integrated team to look at my case. I got looked at as a whole person--not some small sliver. And they discovered some interesting things-- not from blood tests. The testing was neurological, urine test, etc.

The short version diagnosis: Dysautonomia (dysfunction of my central nervous system) and Mast Cell Activation Disorder + + + (some other things perhaps related or not)

It has been quite the journey... and it continues. In some ways I have received healing, but in other ways I am still limping with my physical illness. I need to be honest about this-- I limp.  Not that every day is a down day. I am thankful for the well days and the days where I have energy to celebrate with my family the special days, to participate in ministry, to meet friends, and to continue my studies with much grace given from Fuller/my instructors/my fellow classmates. It is a huge blessing to have well days-- able days. They are even more special because I also have down days-- limitation days-- which required me to clear the calendar, sleep a lot (which my cat Jasmine loves as she snuggles with me), make space to recover, be still, and just to be with God who loves me fully and accept that love as enough.

I am also learning to live in God's unforced rhythm of grace and open to surrender as I take my meds at the right times (some once a day, some twice a day, some four times a day), hydrate (90 ounces a day), exercise (lightly and as is permissible), eat the right foods (low/no histamine diet preferred but now I know better what my body can handle and what will cause it to be too much), and I am learning to use my daily energy for life-giving things and letting the life-draining things go. As I am healing, I can tend to overdo things on good days and then find myself with a crash to recover again. I am learning how to limp and that involves stumbling sometimes. I am seeing that God's gifts of healing come to us in different packages-- perhaps doctors, medicine, self-care, rest, and companionship from others who can carry us. God's gifts also come with showing us where we are weak and need to better depend on Him so we can come to be more of who the Creator intended us to be in full masterpiece form.

So, I guess what this really means for me is that I am limpING. I am healING.
ING= it has begun but still in work. You can read more about my idea of "ING" in my Blog Introduction. We are people already on the journey-- and since those who follow Jesus have eternal life the journey never ends-- but we grow, learn, mature, enjoy, and celebrate each day we are given as gift from God. Each day becomes precious as we savor it and fully live in it. I find I am less apt to want to run down the road to the future or let my mind worry about what-ifs as I open to more of the gifts of life given for today. In the midst of the deeper, hard parts of the undiagnosed illness I created this breath prayer that is my way of beING now. I have it pinned up above my desk as a daily reminder.

"Day by Day, Moment by Moment, Sometimes Breath by Breath... but knowing God is there with me." --Ellysia Banks

And yes, for all who are praying/have prayed for my healing I want you to be encouraged. While my body is not fully "healed", I am honestly experiencING a lot of the major healING in the mental, emotional, spiritual/soul, and relational. My physical body is also healING but it is ongoING and that needs to be left in open hands before the God who loves me to see what will happen. I am fully participating in the process as best I can, but am trustING God with what the bigger end goal is; and beING thankful that I am transformING into a person I like better and I feel is more open to say "yes" to God in new ways that I had been formerly closed to.

This illness and living in weakness has been an incredibly frustrating process, yes-- to be completely honest-- and yet it is also one which God has used to to draw me closer and open me to the Triune God's love and grace. It has been a refinement process of getting me to slow down, to "be", to learn the unforced rhythms of grace, and to live the "with-God life" (Dallas Willard) in more closeness, freedom, and lightness.

“Are you tired? Worn out? ..... Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Jesus in Matthew11:28-30 (MSG)

Perhaps I will blog more about this and all I have learned... but now I need to go finish that final doctorate paper I still owe to my instructors so I can wrap up year 3 of my DMin in Spiritual Direction -- and continue to grow into who God has made me to be and to companion others well.

God has gifted me today with clarity to process and energy to work at the library. Today is a "up day"--a day I feel more able-- and for that I am incredibly thankful. Please join me in giving praise for God's provision--even if just for today. Because if even for today, or a short time, or for the chance to write this blog-- that too is more than enough and a gift I am open to receive.

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