Admitting My Weakness: 5 Years of Recovering from Illness

I have something on my heart that I would like to share. This blog is titled "Becoming Authentically Me"-- and becoming is a process and being authentic is, well, a process too. So I am one who is in process--thus I am on the journey already but still opening to what it means, how to live it, and what the days hold. Before looking forward-- in life events to come and perhaps future blog posts-- I can't shake the feeling that I need to share this first. I believe God is asking me to humble myself and be fully honest about my journey with illness and the weakness I experience.

I have kept this fairly quiet since it was such a struggle for me and required me to often rest for extended times. That left me unable to have necessary energy for conversations, questions, interactions with others, etc. I opened up to a few who have journeyed with me... but mostly it has been my family who has companioned me and can tell their own version of this story.

I have been sick for almost 5 years. I now know my diagnosis (will share that later) but for the first 3 years I did not. I blacked out one day during an exercise class with Anna and days later I was a different person. I slept 12-16 hours a day, extreme exhaustion limited my movement and activity, was winded while walking only a block, had heart palpitations, had chest pains, felt tingly in all of my skin (especially arms and legs), had blurry vision, foggy brain, etc.

Doctors passed me around from specialty to specialty as we all tried to see what was happening. Prior to this I had been super healthy-- and strong-- and able. Over time we got glimpses of things that were off.

• Visit upon visit to my family practice doctor who is very wise. She believed me since I had been super healthy and I had only seen her once a year previous to these issues arising. She did blood work, and was able to discover that my white blood count was low and my iron extremely low. 
• Low iron and treatments I had written about before. So trips to a hematologist and clinic.
• A cardiologist discovering I have POTS and a former exposure to Epstein-Barr virus. 
• A discussion with a friend about the possibility of mast cell related issues and starting a no/low histamine diet that helped me some. 
• An allergist who recommended taking daily histamine blockers to reduce the impact on my body and allow it to recover. 
• Continued discussion with my family practice doctor who after years of unsuccessful healing recommended I go out of town for additional care. 

After years of illness, I ran out of options in the area I live in. I was sent to Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, AZ and was thankful for good medical insurance. The consultative doctor did a complete review of my case, my symptoms, ordered three days of tests, and had me consult with specialty doctors who were able to advise. Mayo Clinic, unlike the doctors where I live, worked as an integrated team to look at my case. I got looked at as a whole person--not some small sliver. And they discovered some interesting things-- not from blood tests. The testing was neurological, urine test, etc.

The short version diagnosis: Dysautonomia (dysfunction of my central nervous system) and Mast Cell Activation Disorder + + + (some other things perhaps related or not)

It has been quite the journey... and it continues. In some ways I have received healing, but in other ways I am still limping with my physical illness. I need to be honest about this-- I limp.  Not that every day is a down day. I am thankful for the well days and the days where I have energy to celebrate with my family the special days, to participate in ministry, to meet friends, and to continue my studies with much grace given from Fuller/my instructors/my fellow classmates. It is a huge blessing to have well days-- able days. They are even more special because I also have down days-- limitation days-- which required me to clear the calendar, sleep a lot (which my cat Jasmine loves as she snuggles with me), make space to recover, be still, and just to be with God who loves me fully and accept that love as enough.

I am also learning to live in God's unforced rhythm of grace and open to surrender as I take my meds at the right times (some once a day, some twice a day, some four times a day), hydrate (90 ounces a day), exercise (lightly and as is permissible), eat the right foods (low/no histamine diet preferred but now I know better what my body can handle and what will cause it to be too much), and I am learning to use my daily energy for life-giving things and letting the life-draining things go. As I am healing, I can tend to overdo things on good days and then find myself with a crash to recover again. I am learning how to limp and that involves stumbling sometimes. I am seeing that God's gifts of healing come to us in different packages-- perhaps doctors, medicine, self-care, rest, and companionship from others who can carry us. God's gifts also come with showing us where we are weak and need to better depend on Him so we can come to be more of who the Creator intended us to be in full masterpiece form.

So, I guess what this really means for me is that I am limpING. I am healING.
ING= it has begun but still in work. You can read more about my idea of "ING" in my Blog Introduction. We are people already on the journey-- and since those who follow Jesus have eternal life the journey never ends-- but we grow, learn, mature, enjoy, and celebrate each day we are given as gift from God. Each day becomes precious as we savor it and fully live in it. I find I am less apt to want to run down the road to the future or let my mind worry about what-ifs as I open to more of the gifts of life given for today. In the midst of the deeper, hard parts of the undiagnosed illness I created this breath prayer that is my way of beING now. I have it pinned up above my desk as a daily reminder.

"Day by Day, Moment by Moment, Sometimes Breath by Breath... but knowing God is there with me." --Ellysia Banks

And yes, for all who are praying/have prayed for my healing I want you to be encouraged. While my body is not fully "healed", I am honestly experiencING a lot of the major healING in the mental, emotional, spiritual/soul, and relational. My physical body is also healING but it is ongoING and that needs to be left in open hands before the God who loves me to see what will happen. I am fully participating in the process as best I can, but am trustING God with what the bigger end goal is; and beING thankful that I am transformING into a person I like better and I feel is more open to say "yes" to God in new ways that I had been formerly closed to.

This illness and living in weakness has been an incredibly frustrating process, yes-- to be completely honest-- and yet it is also one which God has used to to draw me closer and open me to the Triune God's love and grace. It has been a refinement process of getting me to slow down, to "be", to learn the unforced rhythms of grace, and to live the "with-God life" (Dallas Willard) in more closeness, freedom, and lightness.

“Are you tired? Worn out? ..... Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Jesus in Matthew11:28-30 (MSG)

Perhaps I will blog more about this and all I have learned... but now I need to go finish that final doctorate paper I still owe to my instructors so I can wrap up year 3 of my DMin in Spiritual Direction -- and continue to grow into who God has made me to be and to companion others well.

God has gifted me today with clarity to process and energy to work at the library. Today is a "up day"--a day I feel more able-- and for that I am incredibly thankful. Please join me in giving praise for God's provision--even if just for today. Because if even for today, or a short time, or for the chance to write this blog-- that too is more than enough and a gift I am open to receive.

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