Grief and Loss

Photo by A.E.Banks

As I look back at my blog posts, I realized I have touched on the themes of death, illness, and adjustment to the things in life we don't expect. It has been interesting that these posts have risen to the top of my most viewed list. [See Becoming a Patient and Memento Mori] I have received comments and stories from others that my lived moments in some way had commonalities of what they have experienced in their own lives. Before moving on to other topics, I wanted to share a few additional thoughts that have surfaced.

Grief comes upon us due to different situations in life.

Death:  Death of someone or something we love will usher this unwelcome guest of grief into our lives.  

Loss:  Sometimes grief arrives due to a loss. The the end of a dream, a job, a plan, a marriage/relationship, a friendship, health change, financial change, realization of past abuse and hurts, etc. These can feel like little deaths. 

Death and loss are a real part of the life we presently live, yet it is so confusing and not many seem willing to talk about the hard, messy stuff. For some reason we may think we need to "hold it all together" or answer "fine" when people ask how we are. We are taught if we show our emotions we are somehow weak. We are told that we need to "get over it", but we can't. We often feel like we experience an ultimate loss of control. Sometimes we may feel like we are having a moment of going crazy or a psychosomatic response. 

1)  To experience grief is o.k. 

We need to give ourselves and others permission to grieve. Life is sometimes hard--life is sometimes sad. We need to give ourselves freedom to use our full range of the emotions that we have been created with and allow for this honest expression as we are processing, cleansing, and adapting to what has happened.  

I encountered these charts that helped me visualize what this may look like. It helped me realize that having a full range of emotions (including the ugly ones) is common and that what I was feeling did not mean I was going crazy or having a nervous breakdown-- although the pain and disorientation sometimes feels like that at the moment.   

The experience of emotions is not necessarily a linear movement from one to another. What you feel can be circular--returning again and again to former feelings just when you think you have been able to move beyond that.    

Source: Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright (page 56-57) 
or Helping Those Who Hurt: Compassionate and Practical Ways to Offer Comfort (page 64)

Source: Recovering from Losses in Life by H. Norman Wright (Page 124)

And in the reality of life-- someone adapted this chart to reflect how it normally feels to go through the grieving process. Perhaps this may be more realistic and honest. 

2) Grieving takes time... lots of time.  

It is not a quick process, it is not efficient, and we cannot assign a timeline to it. Some people may adjust more rapidly, while some are still struggling to grieve losses and deaths from childhood or from an earlier time in their lives. Grief not processed can accumulate like layers. At some point, our bodies will not be able to hold it and adding just one more thing may result in all the layers flooding out in a messy confusion. 

The first moments of grief are tough to live through. The "first" of every single special date and holiday can be tough. The future celebrations and precious moments not shared with those we love or we are excluded from due to loss situations can be tough. It may feel like learning to take baby steps as we try to walk again on shaky legs.

And we don't get over loving someone--we learn to live in the reality of this love AND also the reality that things have changed.  

We don't get over what has hurt us or we have felt impacted our lives. In time we may learn to live again and perhaps live anew. Some things will be the same and some things will need to change. And that is o.k.   

Please don't tell someone to "get over it". The "it" you may dismiss, may be extremely personal and huge for them. Until we walk in the shoes of another we will never truly know.  We need to have grace and sensitivity.  

And I am convinced we need to rethink the idea of getting over anything. Why would we "get over" loving someone? Wouldn't it make more sense that we miss them and long for the day when we are reunited? Wouldn't it be more kind to consider how we continue to journey without that person or thing in our life, but still leave hope for a future reconciliation when "all things are made new" (Rev 21:5).   

3) Not everyone will understand or be able to offer assistance-- and that is o.k.  

We are not all at the place where we can journey with someone who is feeling broken, sad, or in a bit of temporary distress.

But some people will be safe places of love and support. Start there. Look for the people who will just sit beside you and listen. The ones who will hold your hand as you cry or give you a hug in your down days. Seek out the ones who don't need to fill the space with lots of words and advice, unless you ask them for it. Be with the people who you feel love you as you are, but can also offer hope as needed.   

Sometimes this is a good friend, a family member, a pastor or religious leader... but sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is a counselor or person not as deeply connected to the situation who feels like a safe and welcome place. 

Sometimes it is another who has experienced this same thing and can share listening and empathy with you. Perhaps a support group may be helpful. It may be of great comfort to feel like others understand where you are. I have friends who have found support in grief groups, recovery groups, or various small groups that exist to for specific life situations. Sometimes it may be a professional counselor or a therapist who is neutral to the situation and not part of your normal daily life. 

         You choose what will be helpful and bring you comfort. 

          Choose what will bring you companionship and care.  

4)  There are resources that can assist you in journeying through the grieving process.  

I recommend starting with small amounts.

One meet-up. One discussion. One meeting, some talking and/or light reading. Not too much... just first steps. First baby steps while learning how to walk again.    

There are many, many books to choose from--but reading can be very hard and heavy when you are grieving. Words are weighty and sometimes those who are hurting just can't hear or process. They are using every ounce of their being to simply survive.  

If you want to read the Bible and it may be welcoming to you (and know that you don't need to "do" anything), I would recommend the Psalms in the Bible as a helpful place to find permission for a full range of emotions (good, bad, and ugly/messy). The writers of the Psalms express anger, disillusionment, fear, and crying out for help. They also express receiving peace, protection, joy, hope, and help.  The Psalms are earthy and real expressions of honest living while being in relationship with a living God who cares and love us. Psalms are a tutorial for us to have permission to be in transparent relationship with God as well.   

A few additional helpful resources in gaining permission to grieve and to process loss are listed below. I find that starting with Experiencing Grief was a smaller, easier entry point, and gave permission to grieve. 

It is not that I only recommend H. Norman Wright resources-- it is just that they were helpful to me when I began this process in my own life, so I will start here. 

Experiencing Grief and Helping Those Who Hurt-Compassionate and Practical Way to Offer Comfort.  I also recommend two other H. Norman Wright books: Making Peace with Your Past and Overcoming Losses in Life. 

5) Be aware of stuck points or destructive coping tendencies. 

For many, many years I felt controlled by anger and rage--and I despised that in my life. Yet despite my best efforts to improve and change, it continued and I often felt so frustrated and helpless. I felt like I would go along fine for a while, and then one day when encountering some random situation, everything would blow up in my emotions. When others asked me what was going on with me, I would answer honestly, "I don't know." I came to realize I was at a stuck point and that I needed help. I wanted a new way to live.     

Some people many also come to realize they have also used things to cope with their pain, but are now controlled by those things. For some it could be drugs, alcohol, being a work-a-holic, food, exercise, retreating from reality through entertainment, seeking personal pleasure, being isolated from others, etc.  Anything that is used to numb emotions, rather than be used as life giving, can be an indicator of one of these stuck points or destructive coping tendencies.   

We may need some very real help to assist us in processing where and why we are in these stuck places. We may need some help to discover an answer to the question, "I don't know."  And that is o.k.  

It is not a sign of weakness to admit you need help--it is an act of courage.

5)  We may share some common touch points--but no journey is exactly the same. 

As such, there is no formula for how to grieve--so don't try to make it so. Leave openness to take it day-by-day. Perhaps moment-by-moment may actually work best. Give yourself and others permission to slow down. Give yourself and others permission to say "No, thank you" if needed.  

And this may be simple but it is a helpful reminder to myself and others-- don't forget to breathe. I mean those really deep, refreshing breathes. The ones that bring in life-giving air and let you expend the tension and stress bottled up within. May we each breathe in God's love and peace during stressful moments of tension, pain, or anxiety. May we remain in the gentle love of God, who is always with us even when we don't feel it or can't see it. 

A Closing Note:  

I am not a grief expert nor do I pretend to have all the answers. I share with you out of learning experiences of my own personal journey and the common touch points of life shared with others. I am another loved sinner who is willing to walk the road alongside others as we open to receive God's grace.  

Perhaps others who read this post will have their own suggestions of what was helpful to them. Perhaps they will also share with equal importance what was not helpful. Both need to be listened to and learned from. I encourage those who read this blog post to enter into this conversation so that we may learn from each other. Message me privately if you prefer, and I can post for you or just keep your comments private.

Photo by Ellysia Banks